英語的幽默故事

　　下面是小編整理的，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　：Not so fast 別那麼急嘛

　　A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala***歡慶的*** charity event was taking place.

　　Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

　　"Great idea!" the chicken cried."Let's offer hem1 ham and eggs?"

　　"Not so fast," said the pig testily2. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

　　一隻豬和一隻雞路過一所教堂，那裡有一場盛大慈善活動正在進行著。

　　在精神上收到觸動的豬向小雞提出建議：他們每個人作出點自己的貢獻。

　　“好主意!”雞尖叫道，“讓我們給腿和雞蛋吧?”

　　“著什麼急”豬不耐煩地說，“對你來說，是一個貢獻，對我來說，這是一個完全的獻身。”

　　：The boy and the snails 男孩和蝸牛

　　A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, "You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?"

　　一個鄉下少年到處尋找蝸牛，當他雙手都塞滿了蝸牛後，就準備點火烤著吃。火點著了，蝸牛也開始感覺到熱了，他們紛紛退向堅殼的深處，同時還發出“噝噝”的噪音。男孩子聽到了蝸牛發出的噓聲，便說：“你們這些連命都快沒有的傢伙，怎麼還能有心情在窩裡著火時吹口哨呢?”

　　：Don't Argue with Children 不要和小孩爭論

　　A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

　　The teacher said it was physically1 impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

　　The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.

　　Irritated, the teacher reiterated2 that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

　　The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

　　The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

　　The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

　　一個小女孩和她的老師正在談論有關鯨魚的事情。

　　她的老師說：“一頭鯨魚從身體構造的角度看，是不可能吞掉一個人的。因為儘管鯨魚是一種非常巨大的哺乳動物，可它的嗓子非常小。”

　　那個小女孩說約拿***一位西伯來先知***就是被鯨魚吞掉的。

　　她的老師非常生氣，她再次告訴小女孩說：“從身體構造角度來講，鯨魚是不可能吞掉一個人的。”

　　那個小女孩說：“那等我到了天堂，就去問問約拿。”

　　她的老師問：“那麼，假如約拿下了地獄怎麼辦?”

　　那個小女孩回答：“如果是那樣的話，你就去問他。”

　　：A Duel 決鬥

　　Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

　　It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. His father asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel2. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

　　"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

　　"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

　　小彼得從操場回到家時，鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。

　　顯然他剛與人惡鬥了一番，而且打輸了。父親問兒子發生了什麼事。“噢，爸爸，彼得說，我向拉里挑起決鬥，而且我讓他挑選武器。”

　　“嗯，”父親說，“這看上去很公平!”

　　“我知道，但我沒想到他選擇了他姐姐!”

　　：Neither 都不是

　　It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.

　　At one house a small boy answered the door. "Tell me, young man," said the politician. "Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?"

　　"Neither," said the child, "she's in the bathroom."

　　正值當地競選時期，候選人到他的區域的千家萬戶登門拜訪。

　　候選人來到了一家門口，一個小男孩開了門。“告訴我，年輕人，”候選人問道，“你母親是在共和黨還是在民主黨?”

　　“都不是，”孩子答到，“她在浴室。”

　　：誰發現了澳大利亞?

　　Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me,Johnny.

　　老師: 約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什麼地方。

　　Johnny: It's there , sir.

　　約翰尼: 先生，在這兒。

　　Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?

　　老師: 對了。薩默，你來回答是誰發現了澳大利亞?

　　Sammy: Johnny, sir.

　　薩默: 先生，是約翰尼。

　　人們什麼時候說話最少?

　　Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom?

　　老師: 湯姆，“男人”這個詞的複數形式是什麼?

　　Tom: Men.

　　湯姆:男人們。

　　Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

　　老師: 答得好。那“孩子”的複數形式呢?

　　Tom : Twins.

　　湯姆: 雙胞胎。

　　：我丈夫剛進來

　　The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over.

　　在飯館裡坐著一對夫婦，他們看上去非常高興。但是當那女子向旁邊瞥了一眼時，服務員馬上跑了過來。

　　“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.”

　　“夫人，您瞧,” 他說,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。”

　　“No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.”

　　“不，他沒有,” 她回答,“我丈夫剛從門外進來。”

　　：有兩條褲子

　　A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible,” she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

　　丈夫下班回到家裡，發現自己的新娘心緒煩亂。“我心裡太難受了，”她說。“我在給你熨西裝時把褲子的臀部燒了個大洞。”

　　“Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

　　“沒事兒，”丈夫安慰她說。“你忘了我這套衣服有兩條褲子。”

　　“Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. "And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.”

　　“是的，”妻子高興地說，“幸虧你還有一條，我後來就用它來補了這個洞了。”

　　：死於肝癌的人100%都吃飯

　　 see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of

　　those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.

　　妻子：你瞧，根據這報上登的統計數字，那些死於肝癌的人有80%都喝酒。

　　 okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat

　　meals.

　　丈夫：那就不錯了。據我調查，所有這些人都吃飯呢。

　　：我是單身漢

　　Jack fell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back.

　　傑克騎車摔傷，去醫院治療。一位年輕美貌的護士拿著表格讓填。 傑克填好後遞上表格。

　　"Anything else?"The nurse asked. "Yes," Jack thinks for a while and said "l'm a bachelor."

　　“還有什麼漏填的?”護士問。“有!”傑克想了想說，“我是個單身漢。”