英語笑話帶翻譯總有一個笑死你

　　英語笑話是指以一句英文短語或一個英文故事讓說話者和聽者之間覺得好笑，或是產生幽默感，笑話是一種經過藝術加工的語言形式,是藝術化的語言，笑話是一種藝術方法。下面是小編整理的英語笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　英語笑話一：How can I get into heaven 我怎麼才能上天堂

　　"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

　　"No!" the children all answered.

　　"If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

　　Again, the answer was, "No!"

　　"Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

　　A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

　　“如果我把房子和車賣了，在車庫舉行義賣, 並把所有的錢給窮人，我能進天堂嗎?”我問主日學校的孩子。

　　孩子們齊聲回答：“不能!”

　　“那如果我每天都打掃教堂，給院子的草坪割草，並且把東西都收拾得乾淨整潔，我會上天堂嗎?”

　　回答還是：“不能!”“好吧， ”我繼續問, “那我要怎樣才能昇天堂呢?”

　　一個五歲的男孩兒叫道：“你得死了才行!”

　　英語笑話二：sells the candy

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.

　　"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

　　“昨天給你的錢幹什麼了?”

　　“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。

　　“你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。

　　“再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢?”

　　“她是個賣糖果的。”

　　英語笑話三：Older Goats in America美國老羊

　　A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used.

　　She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?"

　　A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

　　一群美國人乘長途汽車在荷蘭旅遊。他們在一個乳酪場停下來。一位年輕的導遊帶他們參觀了乳酪製作的全過程，解釋說用的是羊奶。 她指給這群人一個美麗的山坡，山坡上許多羊在吃草。對這些，她解釋說，是放逐草地的老羊，它們已不能再產奶。她然後問道：“在美國你們怎樣處理老羊呢?”

　　一位活潑的老紳士回答說：“他們讓我們乘車旅行!”

　　英語笑話四：Whose Son Is the Greatest

　　The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'."

　　The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

　　"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

　　" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

　　Notes:

　　***1*** priest n.基督教的教士 ;牧師

　　***2*** monsignor n.閣下***對某些天主教教士的尊稱***

　　***3*** bishop n.主教***主管一城市或一教區之教務***

　　***4*** Your Excellency 閣下***對主教的尊稱***

　　***5*** cardinal n.***天主教的***紅衣主教***有權選舉教皇***

　　***6*** Your Eminence 對紅衣主教的尊稱

　　誰的兒子最偉大

　　四位牧師的母親聚到一起談論她們的兒子。“我的兒子是個教士，”第一位母親自豪地說道，“他進入房間，人們都說，‘您好，閣下’。”

　　第二為母親說：“我的兒子是位主教。他進入房間，人們都稱，‘您好，大人’。”

　　“我的兒子是位紅衣主教，”第三位母親接著說，“他走進房間，人們都說，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

　　第四位母親略思片刻。“我的兒子身高六英尺十，體重三百磅，”她說，“他要是走入房間，人們都說‘哦，我的上帝’!”

　　英語笑話五：怕老婆的丈夫

　　The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives.He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely. Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. “It's good to see，”said the king，“that we have one real man in the kingdom.Tell these chickenhearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.” “Your Majesty，”came the reply in a squealing voice，“it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.”

　　古代有一個國王，他想證明他領土內的男人並非像人們傳說的那樣，受到老婆的管制。他把王國裡所有的男人都召到跟前，警告說，哪個男人膽敢不說實話，就會受到嚴厲的懲罰。然後，他叫所有聽從妻子的命令和意見的男人都走向大廳的左側。所有的男人都站到了左側，只有一個小個子男人站到了右側。國王說：“看到我們國家裡還有一個真正的男子漢，真是令人高興。告訴這些膽小的笨蛋，為什麼在他們當中只有你一個人站在大廳的右側。” “陛下，”那人尖聲地回答：“因為在我出門之前，我老婆告訴我不要扎堆。”

　　英語笑話六：睡前禱告詞

　　Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

　　Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

　　And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

　　朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“禱告上帝，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。”

　　媽媽打斷她說：“朱莉葉，你為什麼求上帝讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都呢?”

　　朱莉葉回答說：“因為我在地理考卷上是這麼寫的。”

　　英語笑話七：幾月走的

　　When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, "When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.

　　The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, "Which month did he go away?"

　　傑克給人鞠躬，飛快地一點頭，就算完了。大家都怪他不懂禮貌。於是便有好心的人教他說，“下次鞠躬的時候，你就在心裡數：正月、二月、……一直數到十二月為止，然後再直起身來。這樣，禮節就周全了。”

　　第二天，傑克見到他的叔叔，他便如法炮製。這躬鞠得太久，叔叔吃了一驚，趕緊逃開了。傑克抬頭一看，其叔早已不知去向，他便問過路人：“我叔叔幾月走的?”