英語幽默長故事

　　下面是小編整理的，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　：

　　A burglar***竊賊*** breaks into a house. He sees a CDplayer that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears avoice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around withhis flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".He spots some $ on a table and takes it. Once againhe hears a voice "JESUS is watching you".

　　摩西和耶穌***雙語***

　　一個竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個喜歡的CD機,他趕緊拿了。就在這個時候他聽到有人說:“耶穌正在看著你。”他照著手電看來看去,嘀咕著:“到底是什麼人在說話?”這時,他看到桌子上有些錢,他又拿了。那聲音又來了:“耶穌正在看著你。”

　　：

　　He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrotin it! He goes over and asks "Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's yourname?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says "What kind of person names his bird moses?" Theparrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".

　　他躲到一個角落,想找出是誰在說話。結果看到一隻鸚鵡,於是他問鸚鵡:“是你在說話嗎?”鸚鵡承認了。 小賊說:“你叫什麼名字?”“摩西”。小賊說:“什麼人給鳥取這種名字?”鸚鵡回答:“就是那個給他的羅威那犬取名為‘耶穌’的那個人啊。”

　　： An easy way

　　輕而易舉

　　Stepping from my kitchen into the garage, I accidentally locked myself out of the house. When I tried to persuade my 18-month-old son,Taylor, to open the door, none of my tactics worked. Finally,I walked around the house to check for an open window. To my amazement,I found the front door open and Taylor standing there with a salesman.

　　出了廚房我便走進了車庫,不留神把門鎖給撞上了,把我自己鎖在了門外。我那18個月的兒子泰勒在屋裡。於走,我在外邊千方百計地想讓他幫我開門,結果均告失敗。最後,我圍著房子想找個開著的窗子。令我吃驚的是,前門開著,我的兒子站在門口正與一個推銷員在談話。

　　"I've been locked out for 20 minutes,"I said. "How did you get him to open the door?"

　　我對那推銷員說:“我被鎖在了外邊20多分鐘,你是怎樣讓他給你開門的”。

　　Looking puzzled,the man replied,“I rang the doorbell."

　　面帶驚奇的推銷員答說:“我只按了一下門鈴。”

　　：

　　My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind' her,"My children are in their 20's,and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"

　　我的朋友為其子女的光臨做著一些準備工作。這些工作當然包括要到銀行去一超。當她在出納員的窗外排隊等候時,她對她身後的一位中年男子說:“我的孩子們都20多歲了,可我仍然得給他們錢。這種事什麼時候才算完呢?”

　　"I'm not sure,"the man replied while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand,"but I`m not the one to ask. I'm here to deposit a check my mother gave me."

　　“我可不知道。”那位男子邊回答邊不安地看著手裡拿著的那張紙。“我可不是你該問的人,我到這兒是來支取我媽媽給我的支票的。”

　　：Two Soldiers

　　Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"

　　Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.

　　Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.

　　Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"

　　Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.

　　George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.

　　"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.

　　George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"

　　兩個士兵

　　軍營裡有二名士兵，一個叫喬治，一個叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”

　　比爾說：“有。”然後把信紙和信封給了喬治。

　　喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢。”比爾又把自己的筆給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完後把信放進信封裡，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。

　　這時比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”

　　比爾說：“是的。”隨即打開了門。

　　喬治說：“請幫我把這封信投進辦公室的信箱裡，還有...”他停住了。

　　“你還要什麼?”比爾問。

　　喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

　　：Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五個月

　　第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。

　　可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。

　　“你多大了?”軍醫問。

　　“十八，長官。”約翰說。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”

　　約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。”

　　：

　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

　　中間戰術

　　三個互相爭生意的商店老闆在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。

　　右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”

　　左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”

　　中間的商人隨後準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“***處”。