關於簡單幽默的英語笑話

　　笑話是現代社會發展最快的一種口頭文學體裁,它體現了某一民族行為中最深刻的和潛意識中的觀點。小編整理了，歡迎閱讀!

　　：Trained parrot

　　There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

　　Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

　　Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

　　Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

　　Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

　　Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."

　　Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

　　：Super Model Crash

　　Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume thebraceposition immediately!"

　　Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstickand make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

　　Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

　　Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh whichinexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

　　Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

　　Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

　　Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

　　：Consumer labels

　　In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

　　On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

　　On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ***The shoplifter special.***

　　On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

　　On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. ***But it's just a suggestion.***

　　On Tesco's tiramisu dessert ***printed on the bottom of box***: Do not turn upside-down.

　　On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

　　On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

　　On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

　　On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

　　On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." ***As opposed to what?***

　　On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. ***I gotta admit, I'm curious.***

　　On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

　　On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

　　On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." ***I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.***

　　On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

　　：Moths

　　A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

　　The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

　　Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

　　Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

　　"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

　　He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked manstanding there clapping his hands.

　　"Who the fuck are you?" the man asks

　　"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of themoths you are having problems with."

　　The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

　　The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

　　"Those little bastards!"