長一點的好笑英語笑話

　　笑話是文化的重要組成部分,通過笑話,我們可以瞭解一個國家的文化內涵。本文是，希望對大家有幫助!

　　：Very Helpful Advice

　　Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

　　A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

　　Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

　　Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

　　Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

　　Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

　　High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

　　Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

　　Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

　　Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

　　X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

　　A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

　　：What Is Politics?

　　This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government'. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And your baby brother ... we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said.

　　Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

　　The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."

　　：Hand Saw

　　Doctor Larsson was doing his normal morning rounds of the Psychology ward when he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

　　Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

　　The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

　　The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

　　"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

　　The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

　　"What? And work in the dark!?"

　　：Golfing With Techies

　　Four technology experts were golfing one day, 3 Americans and one Japanese gentleman. On the 7th green they hear a BEEP BEEP BEEP. The 1st American took a pen from his pocket, clicked it twice and said "Hello". After a short conversation, the man clicked the pen and put it back in his pocket. He beamed to the others that his company was good enough to do away with the cell phone and replace it with a cell pen. The others weren't terribly impressed.

　　A few holes later there came another series of BEEPS. The 2nd American touched the palm of his right hand with the index finger of his left, then extended his thumb up and his pinky down. He put his hand to his head and said, "Hello." There was another conversation and he said, "Bye." He made the fist and told the other that his company was to the point of installing the microphone in the pinky and the speaker in the thumb. The first guy was impressed, the other two unmoved.

　　A couple of holes later there was another BEEP and the 3rd American held his right hand high in the air and said "Hello." After his conversation he let the others know that he was so progressive he had a mic in his lip a speaker in his ear, and an antenna in his arm. The other two Americans were very impressed. The Japanese gentleman said nothing.

　　On the final hole there was one more BEEP, followed by a SCREEEEECH. The Japanese man ran to the bushes and disappeared. After a few moments his companions went over to see what was going on. There he was, squatting in the bushes with his pants around his ankles. One of the observers hollered, "we have restrooms for that kind of business in this country!"

　　The Japanese man exclaimed, "No, No, I'm waiting for a fax!!!!"