爆笑英語幽默笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　：sells the candy

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.

　　"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

　　“昨天給你的錢幹什麼了?”

　　“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。

　　“你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。

　　“再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢?”

　　“她是個賣糖果的。”

　　：汪汪叫的妻子

　　A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. “When I was first married，I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me.” “I don't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.”

　　一個結婚十年的男人正在請教一位婚姻顧問。“剛結婚那會兒，我非常幸福。我在店裡勞累一天回到家，我的小狗會繞著我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子給我拿來拖鞋。現在一切都變了。我回到家裡，我的狗給我拿來拖鞋，我的妻子對著我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什麼，”婚姻顧問說。“你得到的服務還是一樣的呀。”

　　：訓練記住詩人的名字

　　The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. “It works like this，” she said.“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance.”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns.“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames.See?Bobby Burns!” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all.“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?”

　　我們的老師正在給我們介紹現在某些學校使用的一種新的記憶訓練系統。“這個系統是這樣的，”她說。“假定你要記住一個詩人的名字——例如，要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告訴我們把他當作博比·彭斯。“讓你的腦海裡閃現出一個倫敦警察的形象，燃燒著的警察。明白嗎?警察燃燒!” “我明白你的意思，”班上的萬事通說。“但是你怎麼能說那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢?”

　　：大手

　　Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands.

　　老師：如果我左手上有7個桔子，右手上有8個桔子。那麼我有什麼?學生：大手。

　　：An Exact Number

　　A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur bones lying about.

　　"How old are these bones?" the tourist asked an elderly Native American, who served as a guide.

　　"Exactly one hundred million and three years old.

　　"How can you be so sure?" inquired the tourist.

　　"Well," replied the guide, " a geologist came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.

　　一位遊客在新墨西哥遊覽。他對隨處可見的恐龍化石甚感驚奇。

　　“這些化石有多長的歷史?”遊客問一個上了年紀的當地美國人。他是作嚮導的。

　　“整整十億零三年了。” “你怎麼這麼肯定?”遊客問道。 “哦，”嚮導回答道，“一個地質學家來過這兒，他告訴我說這些化石有十億年了，再加上那是整整三年前的事了。”

　　：Give up your seat to a lady 給女士讓座

　　Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

　　"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.

　　"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

　　小強尼說：“媽媽，今天早上和爸爸在公車上時，他叫我讓座給一位女士。”

　　媽媽說：“你做得很對呀。”

　　“但是，媽媽，我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的。”

　　：我當時還不缺錢

　　Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.

　　"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."

　　"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"

　　"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."

　　一個看起來很難受的窮人走進大夫的診室。

　　"大夫!"他說，"幫幫我!一個月前我吞了一分硬幣!"

　　"天哪，"大夫說，"早幹嘛去了?你當時怎麼不來看?"

　　"實話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說，"我當時還不缺錢!"

　　：Where is the father?父親在哪兒?

　　Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

　　"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

　　The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

　　兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。

　　“看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀!”

　　“是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢?”

　　哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：“很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。”

　　：Son and Dad

　　Son: "Dad, you are available to you on Friday afternoon?"

　　Dad: "What ah?"

　　Son: "mini-school parents have to open the forum!"

　　Dad: "What is micro-parents forum?"

　　Son: "It's only a class, you and I participate in!"

　　兒子：“爸爸，星期五下午您有空嗎?”

　　爸爸：“什麼事啊?”

　　兒子：“學校要開微型家長座談會!”

　　爸爸：“什麼叫微型家長座談會?”

　　兒子：“就是隻有班主任，你和我參加!”

　　：聖誕老人的真實職業 Santa's True Profession

　　Do You Know Santa's True Profession?

　　Consider the following:

　　1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

　　2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

　　3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

　　4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week.

　　5. Santa travels a lot.

　　Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

　　聖誕老人的真實職業是什麼?

　　考慮以下幾點

　　1. 你其實從來沒見過聖誕老人，你看見的都是他得助手***他得助手真的好多，除了過聖誕節的所有父母外，還有職業“聖誕老人”***

　　2. 聖誕老人不想退休，就可以一直當他的聖誕老人。

　　3. 聖誕老人不會做實事，他都是指揮一堆幫手幫他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好還是不好，功績和責任都算聖誕老人的。

　　4. 聖誕老人實行的可不是朝九晚五雙休制。

　　5. 聖誕老人經常旅行

　　聖誕老人顯然是一個高階職員***please, 這世界上還有比他的工作更好的工作嗎?***

　　：I Have His Ear in My Pocket

　　I Have His Ear in My Pocket

　　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

　　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

　　他的耳朵在我衣兜裡

　　伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，“發生了什麼事?”

　　“一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。

　　“再見到他你能認出來嗎?”媽媽問。

　　“他走到哪裡我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜裡呢。”

　　：the woman who loves you most?

　　One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

　　On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves

　　you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'

　　My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

　　一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：“世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。”

　　我丈夫抬頭看，說：“媽媽來了?”