英語爆笑幽默笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，希望對大家有幫助。

　　：

　　One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.

　　The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.

　　He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"

　　"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."

　　一天，蒂姆的數學老師他的作業，發現他全做對了。

　　老師很高興，同時也十分驚訝。

　　他把蒂姆叫到桌前說："蒂姆，你這次的作業全都做對了，怎麼回事?你爸爸幫你做了嗎?"

　　"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。"

　　：

　　Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

　　When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.

　　"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."

　　Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

　　Jim和Mary都是精神病院裡的病人。一天，他們沿著醫院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潛到水底，把Jim拉了上來。

　　當院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行為後，他立刻翻她的病歷檔案,把她叫進了自己的辦公室.

　　“Mary，我有一個好訊息和一個壞訊息要告訴你。好訊息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，這說明你的意識已經恢復了，你可以出院了。壞訊息就是，Jim，你救的那個病人，他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”

　　Mary說：“他沒有自殺，是我把他吊起來好讓他晾乾。”

　　：

　　One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

　　一天，比爾和湯姆去餐館吃飯。當服務員端上兩份牛排時，比爾迅速地為自己拿了比較大的那塊。

　　湯姆對此很不開心：“你什麼時候能學會禮貌?”

　　比爾說：“如果讓你先拿，你會拿哪個?”

　　湯姆說：“當然是小的那個。”比爾：“那你還抱怨什麼?小的那個不就是你想要的，不是嗎?”

　　：

　　At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.

　　Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.

　　Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.

　　The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.

　　在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個手鋸。我們返回汽車時剛好路過一家牛排店。 “我們嚐嚐吧，”我妻子建議說。儘管我覺得拿著鋸有點傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進去。 我妻子掃視了一下選單對女招待說：“請給我來一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待轉向我，看我的鋸，說道：“我能看出，先生，你是來吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。”

　　：

　　Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

　　His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

　　To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

　　兩個小男孩在他們的祖父母家過夜。睡覺時間到了，這兩個小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，“我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個新遊戲機……我祈求有一個新錄影機……”

　　他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說：“你為什麼這麼大聲地喊叫呢?上帝又不是聾子。”

　　弟弟聽了回答道：“上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!”

　　：

　　The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"

　　"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.

　　姑娘找到媒人，說：“你欺騙了我。他的一隻眼是假眼，你以前為什麼不告訴我?” “怎麼沒告訴你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見面後，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。”

　　：We Left Nothing 我們什麼也沒留下

　　Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She

　　locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman

　　on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING."

　　When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:

　　"THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!"

　　布朗太太要外出一天。 她鎖好了房門，在門上給送牛奶的人釘了一張便條：“家裡沒人，請不要留下任何東西!” 她當天晚上回家後發現房間門被撞開，房子被洗劫一空。在她留給送奶人的便條上，她發現被補充了一句：“謝謝!我們什麼也沒留下!”

　　：你以為你是誰?Who do you think you are?

　　The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.

　　“It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?”

　　“I am the driver.” he said.

　　公共汽車上很擠，當又一個人還是試圖上車時，乘客們不讓他上。

　　“車上太擠了，”他們喊道，“你以為你是誰?”

　　“我是司機!”他說。