爆笑英語小笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　：理髮師

　　Harry: "My big brother shaves every day."

　　哈里：“我哥哥每天都刮臉。”

　　Henry: "My brother shaves fifty times a day."

　　亨利：“我哥哥每天刮50次臉。”

　　Harry: "Is he crazy?"

　　哈里：“他瘋了嗎?”

　　Henry: "No, he's a barber."

　　亨利：“沒有，他是一名理髮師。”

　　：年少無知

　　Jimmy is three years old.

　　吉米3歲了。

　　One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!"

　　一天，他正在視窗觀望，夜幕降臨。他突然喊道：“媽媽，媽媽，快來關窗!”

　　"Why? It's not cold, sonny."

　　“為什麼?天不冷呀，寶貝。”

　　"Yes, mum, but the night will come inside."

　　“是的，媽媽，可黑夜會進來。”

　　：快速靠岸

　　A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"

　　在休倫湖釣完魚後，我的一個朋友開車拖著他的船回家。路上車壞了。 他沒帶手機，不過，他想，也許他可以通過海事無線廣播來請求公路援助。 於是，他爬到他的船裡面，啟動了無線裝置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸護衛隊警官作出了迴應，“報告你的位置”。“I-75號公路，Standish的南面兩英里”。沉默了好一會之後，警官問我的朋友，“你的船靠岸時開得有多快?”

　　：冰箱裡的小兔子

　　A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

　　一位女士開啟冰箱門，發現一隻兔子坐在其中的一層隔板上，就問它：“你在那裡做什麼?”

　　The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

　　兔子回答：“這是Westinghouse對不對?”***Westinghouse，西屋電氣公司***

　　The lady confirmed, "Yes."

　　女士確認道：“沒錯。”

　　"Well," the rabbit said,"I'm westing."

　　兔子說：“那就對了，我就是要往西邊去。”

　　Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?

　　兔子：你確信這瓶特製胡蘿蔔汁能治好我的病?

　　Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.

　　醫生：當然咯，凡是喝過的兔子沒有一隻來要第二瓶的。

　　Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?

　　兔寶寶：媽咪，我是從哪兒來的呢?

　　Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.

　　兔媽媽：等你長大點再告訴你。

　　Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.

　　兔寶寶：噢媽咪，現在就告訴我吧，求您了。

　　Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.

　　兔媽媽：如果你一定要知道，那我告訴你你是從魔術師的帽子裡被拽出來的。

　　：我們分享一切

　　An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries.

　　一對老夫婦在漢堡王餐廳吃飯，他們小心翼翼地將漢堡和薯條分成兩份。

　　A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.

　　一個卡車司機非常同情他們，就提議想給老太太單獨點一份。

　　"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."

　　“沒關係的。”老先生說，“我們分享一切。”

　　A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite.

　　幾分鐘後，卡車司機注意到老太太還沒動口吃一點東西。

　　"I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.

　　他再次對老先生說，“我真的不介意請您妻子吃一頓……”

　　"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."

　　“她會吃的，”老先生向他保證，“我們分享一切。”

　　Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"

　　司機不太相信，懇求老太太，“你為什麼不吃一點?”

　　The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

　　老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等他的假牙。”

　　：I Am Going to Shop 我要去購物啦

　　“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

　　我幫來購物的女士包好東西后，問道：“是付現金、支票還是記賬呢?” 當她找錢包的時候，我注意到她的包包裡竟放著一個電視遙控器。

　　“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

　　我問：“你一直都隨身帶電視遙控器的嗎?”

　　“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

　　她回答說：“不是啦。但我老公不樂意跟我一起來購物，所以我決定拿走他的遙控器來懲罰他。”

　　：At a Department Store 在百貨商店裡

　　A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

　　一個結巴壯漢走進一家百貨公司問櫃員：“男……男裝部在……在哪兒?”

　　The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

　　櫃檯後的櫃員看著他不搭話。

　　The man repeats himself, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

　　那男人又重複道：“男裝……裝部在……在哪兒?”櫃員還是不理他。

　　The guy asks several more times, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

　　壯漢問了好幾遍櫃員依舊如故。最後，壯漢氣沖沖地走了。

　　The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s questions?”

　　排在後面的顧客問那個櫃員：“你怎麼不答人家話呀?”

　　The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

　　櫃員說：“你……你覺著我……我想找打……打是吧!?”

　　：冰箱裡的儲蓄罐

　　My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy.

　　我表妹總是從她哥哥的小豬撲滿裡“借錢”，她哥哥對此事感到很憤怒。

　　One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.

　　一天，表妹四處尋找，最後竟然在冰箱裡發現了撲滿。

　　Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."

　　撲滿裡有張紙條：“親愛的妹妹，我希望你能夠理解，我的資產現在已被凍結。”

　　：I Understand Him我懂他的話

　　While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . "Mump umn Kmpfhm," was all I heard.

　　"Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word you're saying.

　　"He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly .　A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?"

　　"I'm a dentist," my husband explained.

　　在飯店吃飯的時候，我申斥我4歲的兒子，因為他滿嘴食物在說話。“喔、呢”，我聽到的就是這些。 “祖，”我責備道，“沒人明白你在說什麼。” “他說他要一些番茄醬，”我丈夫平靜地說。坐在旁邊的一位婦女靠過來問道：“你究竟如何明白他的話的呢?” “我是牙醫。”我丈夫解釋道。

　　：我為什麼逃避手術

　　A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

　　一位男士在進行手術前被發現正沿著醫院的大廳逃離。

　　"What's the matter?" he was asked.

　　“發生了什麼?”有人問他。

　　He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

　　男士回答道：“我聽見護士說，‘這只是一個簡單的手術。不用擔心，我相信不會出問題的。’”

　　"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

　　“她這樣做是想讓你感到安心啊，有什麼好害怕的?”

　　"She was talking to the damn doctor!"

　　“可她是在對那該死的手術醫生說!”

　　：The Cemetery Shortcut為抄近路走墓地

　　Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

　　萬聖節派對過後，兩男人圖個樂呵，打算抄近路穿過墓地回家。

　　Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

　　走到墓地中央時，他們被從迷霧中傳來的“答、答、答”聲驚嚇到了。

　　Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

　　正當兩人害怕得渾身顫抖時，他們看到是個老頭拿著鐵錘和鑿子，在一塊墓石上鑿著什麼。

　　"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

　　“哇塞，先生，”其中一人喘了口氣說，“你把我們嚇得半死啊，我們還以為遇上鬼了呢!那麼晚了你在這裡做什麼?”

　　"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

　　“那幫白痴!”老頭抱怨道，“他們把我名字拼錯啦!”

　　：保證沒走錯To be on the Safe Side

　　In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.

　　在一家電影院裡，一名觀眾在演出期間站了起來，沿著他那排位子走到休息室去了。

　　A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:

　　幾分鐘後，他回到那排位子並問坐在首位的那位男士道：

　　"Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?"

　　“對不起，請問我剛才出去的時候是踩著你的腳嗎?”

　　"Yes, but it doesn't really matter. It didn't hurt at all."

　　“是的，不過沒什麼關係，一點也不疼。”

　　"Oh, no, it isn't that. I only want to make sure that this is my row."

　　“噢，不，我不是這個意思。我只是想確認一下這是不是我的那排位子。”