史上最搞笑的英語笑話

　　冷笑話是一種新興的語言現象,伴隨著網路的普及它已經滲透到了青年群體的日常生活。下面小編整理了，希望大家喜歡!

　　摘抄

　　把我嚇個半死***中英***

　　A woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and removed its top. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.

　　一位婦女正在沿著海灘散步，突然她看見沙灘上有個瓶子。她撿起了瓶子，拔開了瓶塞。呼的一聲，冒起一股濃煙。

　　"You have released me from my prison,”the genie told her. "To show my thanks, I’11 grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish，your mate, will receive double of whatever you request.”

　　“你把我從囚禁中解救了出來，”妖怪對她說:“為了表示對你的感謝，我將滿足你三個願望。但是要注意，你每實現一個願望，你的丈夫會得到雙倍你所要求的東西。”

　　"Why?" The woman asked. "He left me for another woman.”

　　“為什麼?他為了另一個女人拋棄了我。”這位婦女問。

　　"That is how it is written，”replied the genie.

　　“只能如此。”妖怪回答道。

　　The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a distant place，her husband was down to see twice that amount at his feet.

　　這位婦女很無奈地聳了聳肩，要了一百萬美元。一道亮光閃過，在她的腳下出現了一百萬美元。與此同時，在遙遠的地方，她的丈夫正在看著腳下雙倍數目的錢。

　　"And your second wish?"

　　“你的第二個願望呢?”

　　"Genie, I want the world's most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And in that remote place, her husband was wondering what had made so many precious stones come to him from nowhere at all.

　　“妖怪，我想要世界上最貴重的鑽石項鍊。”有一道亮光閃過，這個婦女的手中便出現了這貴重的寶物。在那個遙遠的地方，她的丈夫正在奇怪從什麼地方冒出這麼多寶石來。

　　"Genie，is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels than I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?

　　“妖怪，我丈夫真的擁有了兩百萬美元，還有比我更多財寶，而且不論我要什麼，他就能得到雙倍嗎?”

　　The genie said it was indeed true.

　　妖怪說確實如此。

　　Okay，genie，I’ m ready for my Last wish,” the woman said. "Scare me half to death.”

　　“好了，妖怪，我已經想好了我的最後一個願望了。”這位婦女說二“把我嚇個半死吧。”

　　鑑賞

　　誰最臭***中英***

　　A grocer, a banker and a politician got lost in the forest. Eventually they came to a farmer's house and asked if he could put them up overnight.

　　一個雜貨商、一個銀行家和一個政客在森林裡迷了路。最後，他們來到一家農舍，詢問是否能在此住宿。

　　“Sure,”the farmer said, “but I've got room for only two of you in the house. The other will have to sleep in the barn with the animals, and the smell is very bad out there.”

　　“沒問題，”農戶說，“可是我的房子裡只能安排得下兩個人，另外一個得到牲口棚跟牲口睡在一起，那裡的氣味很難聞。”

　　"I'll sleep in the barn,” the banker volunteered.

　　“我去牲口棚睡。”銀行家自告奮勇。

　　Half an hour later a knock was heard on the farmer's houses door, and there stood the banker, gasping," I can't take the smell.”

　　半個小時以後，他們聽到有人敲門，銀行家站在門口，喘著粗氣:“那種氣味我真的受不了。”

　　"All right,” said the grocer. "I' 11 sleep in the barn. "And off he went.

　　“好吧，”雜貨商說:“我去牲口棚睡，”轉身他就走了。

　　In a while there was another knock on the door. "I've put up with some rank odors from spoiled food,” the grocer complained," but that barn tops them all.”

　　不久，又響起了敲門的聲音。“就連變質的食物惡臭我都能忍受，”他說，“但是，牲口棚的氣味r以十麼都難聞。”

　　"You two sissies,” said the politician" I'11 sleep in the barn.”

　　“你們兩個真的沒用,”政客說,“我去那兒睡。”

　　Thirty minutes later came another knock. When they opened the door There stood all the animals from the barn.

　　半個小時以後，又響起了敲門聲。他們開啟門，看到牲口棚的所有牲口都站在門口。

　　賞析

　　自己來***中英***

　　An old friend from abroad, whom I was expecting to stay with me, telephoned from the airport to tell me that he had arrived. I was still at the office at the time, but I had made arrangements for his arrival. After explaining where my new flat was, I told him that I had left the key under the room一mat. As I was likely to be home rather late, I advised him to go into the kitchen and help himself to food and drink.

　　一位國外來的老朋友從飛機場打電話，告訴我他已經到達，我一直期盼著與他相聚。那時，我仍在辦公室裡，不過對於他的到來我已做好了安排。說清我的新公寓的位置後，我告訴他把鑰匙放在擦腳的墊子下面。由於我可能很晚才能回家，我建議他到廚房自己弄點吃喝的東西。

　　Two hours later my friend telephoned me from the flat. At the moment, he was listening to some of my records after having just had a truly wonderful meal. He had found a pan on the gas stove and fried two eggs and had helped himself to some cold chicken from the refrigerator. Now, he said, he was drinking a glass of orange juice and he hoped I would join him. When I asked him if he had reached the flat without difficulty, he answered that be had not been able to find the key under the room-mat , but fortunately the living-room window just by the apple tree had been left open and he had climbed in. I listened to all this in astonishment. There is no apple tree in front of my living-room, but there is one in front of my neighbor’s!

　　兩個小時後朋友從公寓打電話給我。他說，美餐了一頓以後，他現在正在聽我的一些磁帶。在煤氣爐上，他找到了一個平底煎鍋，煎了兩個雞蛋，並吃了冰箱裡的凍雞肉。他說他現在正在喝著一杯橘子汁並希望我能跟他一起享受。當我問他是否很順利地進人我的公寓時，他回答說，他並沒有在擦鞋的墊子下面找到鑰匙，但幸運的是，蘋果樹旁邊的那扇起居室的窗戶正好開著，他就爬了進去。一番話聽得我目瞪口呆。我的起居室前根本就沒有蘋果樹，而鄰居家前面到是有一顆!